_______

All Alone...

2009-11-29T01:10:00.001+05:30

I used to think the worst thing was to end up all alone.

It's not.

The worst thing is ending up with people who make you feel...

This is it...

2009-07-09T21:52:00.002+05:30

A drive in the rain to get you just wet enough to love it.

Hot steaming coffee and bhajias to add flavor to the feeling.

Sitting by the window, listening to the rain go pat pat pat.

Watching the traffic sloshing about on the roads.

Realizing you don't have anyone to share this with.

This is it.

Infinity

2008-12-04T22:53:00.008+05:30

Was reminded of a discussion with a friend on love...

She: I just love this friend of mine, a lot, but I'm not "in love" with him.

Me: OK??? Wat's the difference?

She: When you love someone, there is a certain amount of compassion you have for that person, but when you are "in love" with someone, he/she is the centre of your own little universe.

Me: So where exactly do the people who you love but are not "in love" with, feature in this universe?

She: Its like this, the person you are "in love" with is at the center of your universe and the others are like in circles with varying degrees of compassion around that center. Like a slice of an onion.

Me: So the person I "love" the least, is on the outermost rim?

She: There you go. That's perfect!!!

Me: But then, is love not like a Boolean, you either love or you don't. How can you love less or more?

She: You will know when you are "in love" with someone...

Makes me wonder... just what would happen to a circle if you removed the center?? What if there was no point of reference? no way to measure the radius of love or compassion...

I could not find the answer in physics or on Wiki...

I implored myself to think beyond the center and there it was...

Echo

2008-12-01T07:56:00.002+05:30

This is how it was when I was ten: nothing but trouble outside my head, nothing but miracles inside it. - Saleem Sinai (Midnight's Children)

Echo... Except that I am 25 now...

Revelation!!!

2008-11-10T21:09:00.001+05:30

I perfer shock value to the fulfilment of meeting expectations...

hmmm...

Another Height...

2008-10-30T16:09:00.001+05:30

The height of helplessness...

Someone being the first to comment on his/her own blog!!!

A Breakthrough!!!

2008-10-26T21:33:00.001+05:30

The latest innovation in technology for keeping loved ones close... over long distances.

Auditory Olfaction...

Another Height...

2008-09-25T20:47:00.001+05:30

The height of hypocrisy???

A non-vegetarian who chooses not to be a cannibal!!!

A look at the past...

2008-09-21T15:27:00.003+05:30

When I look back at my past, I realize....

everything I had to give away, was not willful...

I was just another person.

Religion...

2008-09-08T20:09:00.001+05:30

It's not the faith that I have a problem with, it's the practice that ticks me off!!!

Spoof Time

2008-07-13T12:12:00.002+05:30

Scary Movie 1
Scary Movie 2
Scary Movie 3
Scary Movie 4
Epic Movie
Onion Movie
... and many others...

The biggest spoof of them all...

LIFE !!!

Heights!!!

2008-06-08T14:14:00.001+05:30

The height of Subjectivity??

REALITY!!!

Invention!!!

2008-05-28T20:39:00.000+05:30

Necessity...

is the mother of Will-Power...

Clarity...

2008-04-21T22:57:00.000+05:30

Mechanophilia!!!

certainly...

Damn!

2008-03-30T16:56:00.000+05:30

Financial stability vs Mechanophilia...

DAMN!!!

u = f(Choice)

2008-03-12T23:59:00.002+05:30

You are a function of the choices you make.

And thats that. Period.

Life Sucks...

2007-09-24T15:29:00.000+05:30

how often have you heard someone say life sucks??

a friend of mine has some advise to all those whose life seems to suck...

SUCK BACK!!!

Take a bow, my friend...

Marriages...

2007-08-28T13:08:00.000+05:30

Marriages are made in heaven...

Heaven sure does not have this

hmmm...

Thoughts...

2007-08-03T15:07:00.000+05:30

Has been a while since I penned those rambling thoughts down.

Penning them down does not seem to help with the turbulence though. The flashes are back. Thoughts about death, pain, misery, futility...

Reminds me of a piece from a song that i related very closely to...

You ask about my conscience,
And I offer you my soul...
You ask If I'll grow to be a wise man,
Well I ask if I'll grow old...

up the wall...

2007-07-18T14:11:00.000+05:30

that feeling of wanting to just break out and screaming until your lungs hurt...

that feeling where you feel driven up the wall with demands, demands and more demands...

exactly what i am going through right now a this very moment, and to add to the pain, there is the omni-present "better than what you could do" set of references that exist... just so that i can realise the exact smallness and proportion of what i could do...

I have always been pitted into competing with people who are older, more experienced, are earning better and can deliver to expectation just because they have had the time to learn and then earn and here i am trying to fit into their league, trying to already grab my future years in advance... I have, for some time now, felt i do not have to go through all this... i do not have to push myself to know more, to earn more...

but then, was this not what i have defined my very purpose as... to fulfil demands, or die trying??? my very motivation, the driving force behind what i am right now at this very moment seems to be complementing this motto of living this uphill fulfillment... life has its own set of tricks to slap irony in your face huh???

I ask myself, why should i have to bother about material needs and physical pleasures... i know there is a beyond to this and i have been there too...

so what does one do when he has been complained to - not about the fact that he cant deliver, but about the disappointment that expectations were not fulfilled AND there are better options available, which one could not offer...

The oracle said that you cannot see beyond the choices you understand, but what about those choices you just cannot make...

i feel tied down, penting up with frustration - not of the demands being made, or of people's lack of understanding of me... i feel frustrated of my inability to deliver, my inability to scale up and understand... when i promised i would...

i wish someone could help me out with this paradox of being stretched into something i am not, and putting my foot down to be what i am (at the cost of everything that matters)...

Its shopping time again...

2007-07-11T12:23:00.000+05:30

Life in Mumbai has brought with it a strange mixture of happiness, excitement, fear, insecurity and lasting shades of grey...

My life seems to have taken a turn when i visited one of those malls in Malad. suddenly, the life that was only available in dreams, only visible in wishful thoughts was thrown onto me in in fullest, most vibrant and excruciatingly expansive form.

so much of it that the sense of being overwhelmed took its time to register. More than 1 Lakh sqft of shopping space for a local to Chennai resident is not something that goes well in one go...

I only feel humbled by the sheer size of the materialistic universe that surrounds me and appeals only to my senses...

At the end of the day, with my love right beside me and life transformed beyond comprehension, there is only one thought that lingers in my mind...

Its shopping time again...

Pain

2007-07-09T00:44:00.000+05:30

I realise, I have become so numb...
so tense, so pained...

I wish I could let somebody know,
of the pain that did not show
coz for every wish, there was a blow !!!

As i stand here, at the brink of making dreams come true...
looking at my past, an abyss of the deepest hue,
I see myself wanting to smile, wanting to live...
my life and my love, is all i have to give !!!

a snowy evening....

2007-07-03T19:49:00.000+05:30

have just been exposed to the brash realities of the humbleness of my knowledge...

reminds of a poem I once heard...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Anonimity vs Vulnerabilty

2007-06-28T10:31:00.000+05:30

I wonder if being anonymous prevented your being vulnerable.

How would a name protect you from whats coming? Does being behind the veil change the way people behave/react to you?

hmmm... wats in a name?

complications...

2007-06-27T09:43:00.000+05:30

I have heard many people that say life is a very complicated animal...

come to think of it, I say life is simple... people are the complicated animals...

I do not intend to prophesize solitude (although I love it at times)... its just the sheer lack of common sense that seems to be omni-prevalent...

The futility of existence stares at you in the face...

Itch time...

2007-06-26T15:34:00.000+05:30

Heard of the 7 year itch??

Well, i have heard of others too..

the 6 month itch, the one year itch, the 7 year itch, the 10 year itch, the sweaty itch, the horny itch, the naughty (B)itch...

hmmm... so many itches... so little to scratch...

The domination of love....

2007-06-25T10:16:00.001+05:30

Spent a not so eventful weekend with a bunch of relatives...

Apart from the mundane process of spending time and eating together, I did get an opportunity to observe some people in their truest colors...

for instance, the husband of a dear one turned out to be an extremely short tempered, male chauvinistic, however good hearted man - quite an aberration from the fun loving, goon natured, respect every one image that he had earlier created...

I found this quite shocking and did not make any effort to hide my surprise from the woman at the receiving end of this man's fury... and this is what i heard from her...

He is extremely short tempered and loses it quite easily, there have been times he has also forgotten that he is addressing me in public... However, he is good at heart and means no harm. I have known this from experience.

Thats why I love him and am ready to accept him for what he is. My love for him dominates my other feelings and hence, whatever else i go through is trivial...

Cant help wondering....

Tears...

2007-06-23T12:56:00.000+05:30

No one is worth your tears, and the only one who is, will never make you cry...

There was a time i used to revere statements like this one...

Cant help smiling....

Today as I heard your voice

2007-06-22T10:49:00.000+05:30

Was rummaging through a sash of old memories... and bumped into a wonderful lil peiceof poetry i had once received.

Here goes...

Today as I heard your voice
Today as I spoke to you
I believe I just dreamt of us
And our life together…

For then.. I saw a baby play,
And trouble his parents with a mischievous look
And the parents give a defeated smile
And kiss……

I passed by the coffee shop
New married couples nudge around
With eyes so lost and heads
On each other’s arm…

Today I was strolling at home
And saw my parents look at me
With a smile which seemed to say
I know what its like to dream…. Of togetherness

U know…I could dream of togetherness
For all my life unto my death
If just a dream could do this to me
How would it be, when it for real...

WONDERFUL....

Assumptions

2007-06-22T09:10:00.000+05:30

It is amazing how people just assume...

and the range of assumptions seems to only be limited by their own imagination... to add to the misery, people expect you to understand that they had assumed what they did and give them the space to react and blow up because you do not seem to fulfill those assumed expectations...

I have assumed at times too... and I have only been rewarded with misery and disappointments... not to mention, all the effort that goes into sorting out the consequent confusions and heart burns...

Assumptions and expectations, truly the parents of all the misery that seems to exist... and beyond...

Another Day

2007-06-21T09:08:00.001+05:30

Yet another day begins in what i want to call a life...

there is so much to do... so much to think...

thinking about thinking, i have been seeing a lot (more) pain and death in my thoughts recently...

alas... there is too much to do... too much to live...

I guess I'll die another day...

A Comeback

2007-06-20T16:36:00.000+05:30

Yes... Thats wat it is... a comeback... after a really long break...

It has been a long time since i last blogged... a time when too many things happened...

events, revelations, efforts, disappointments, confrontation, choices, happiness, sadness, unpassionate madness, change...

most striking revelation of them all,

I am not a blogger becuase, i want to blog... i was just trying to FIT IN...

What a shame...

there better be a change.

sure there will be a change.

Change...

2006-11-20T23:16:00.000+05:30

November 21, 2006 and I complete 9 years of something that has not changed one bit in all these 283,824,000 seconds of being what it is.

Some things changed in the beginning, some changed while I spent 9 years feeling what I feel right now, some may change later.

but then, how I feel right now has been, & will be. I promise.

what I regret is not ever having played cricket on that ground in 9 years.

Confused??? Click Here

Impossible

2006-11-16T22:54:00.000+05:30

yes,

it has been a long time since I let it out. Not since it was not there, just that I was forced to quit on a loved one for a while. Never Mind that.

It has been a month full of shopping and other activities I have enjoyed in a limited sense. One thing I did enjoy was taking, making and checking pictures.

After having been through today (with no pictures made, taken or checked), I have just this one thought in my mind:

If only a camera could capture the beauty that I saw...

Survey...

2006-10-12T23:22:00.000+05:30

Got this interesting forward from a friend...

The UN Conducted a survey:

They asked... "Can you give your honest opinion on how to
resolve the food shortage situation in the rest of the world".

The survey was a BIG failure ...

1. Africa didn't know what 'food' was
2. Western Europe didn't know what 'shortage' was
3. Eastern Europe didn't know what 'opinion' was
4. Asia didn't know what 'honest' was
5. Middle East didn't know what 'how to resolve' was

AND the US didn't know what the 'rest of the world was'

I say the UN did'nt know what a 'survey' was...

Its the time to DISCO....

2006-10-09T22:50:00.000+05:30

Had been to a party recently...

A colleague of my loved one had invited us over for her son's b'day bash...

the party was set in the terrace of her workplace and there was supposed to a nightfull of great music...

I walk up to the DJ's table and see and full sized DN-S3000 right there... Some beauty that is for the ppl who know what it is...

well, for the benefit of those who don't... Here goes:

But then.... nothing/no-one is perfect right... This was proven so right by the one and only DJ we had there... The transitions sucked... And there was this strange and yet irritating fixation for the song that makes the title of this post... Not to mention, our man though BPM was a band similar to REM...

I'm beginning to sound like I'm complaining right?

That's it... I shall say no more...

Its the time to DISCO....DISCO....DISCO....DISCO....DISCO....DISCO....DISCO....

Something like it...

Lateral Thinking...

2006-09-27T22:05:00.001+05:30

Today I had a chance to put one of those few grey cells at work.

If I can't get myself to a Kulfi at 9 in the night, I sure can make a Kulfi come to me.

Pats himself on the back...

Great job dude...

Ladies evening out...

2006-09-21T22:27:00.000+05:30

Shopping with ladies can be quite interesting. It takes a lot of patience, knowledge and of course, the moolah to get things going.

Had an evening out with two of the few interesting women in my life. We were out looking for a sari for one of them. Boy. It's one difficult thing to quickly hear a convinced YES from a woman who is out shopping (I'm no chauvinist. This is pure experience).

And to speak of the barrage of information that you have to deal with. There are at least a zillion different types, patterns, colors, price ranges... You name it. There's banarsi, kancheepuram, chiffon, silk, satin, Georgia or something... And more...

To add to the confusion, there's jari made, patterned weaves, embroidered, contrast border, self border, but no Allan Border.

Look at us men. Life's as simple as that. Go to an outlet. Pick what you like. Pay. Leave.

Simple.

The sound of music...

2006-09-20T09:05:00.000+05:30

Listening to music has always been one of those things I have called a hobby. Frankly, I have never really had a hobby. I realize that music to me, is more than just about hearing songs and humming them around.

My attachment to music began while I was around 12 or 13. When I was introduced to the concept of non-film music. I remember an incident when a cousin of mine had purchased some albums and I had innocently asked him which movie it was. He had snapped back saying: "It's an album, not a movie. You won't understand this."

My cousin did not know that he had just gotten me hooked to a music genre called POP. Beginning there, I slowly migrated from Indi-Pop to English music. At one point in time, this song Everybody by the Back Street Boys was a hot favorite (I could call it the first English song I heard, liked and remembered). The transition from pop to rock to metal was inevitable.

Now why am I talking about all this? Well, coz I wanna talk about the music that I really relate to. More specifically, in the recent past, there have been songs that have had me so captivated with their lyrics that I almost began to believe that the lyricist of the band was referring to me.

Bryan Adams, Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit are those bands that have held me with their lyrics for a long time now. While I related to Bryan Adams's lyrics when I was in a light, or say romantic like mood, Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park have almays, through their lyrics, provided me with an expression for my frustration, my anger, my pain and at times, my hatred.

There are these 3 songs that have been permanently etched in my mind because of their lyrics, the way they have been sung and what they mean to me. Here goes a few lines from these songs that reflect exactly what I have felt:

Linkin Park - Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

...
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
...

Linkin Park - Faint

I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I canÂt help the fact that everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

Limp Bizkit - Boiler (The best of them all)

Looks like I'm gonna do everything myself
Maybe I could use some help, but hell,
You want something done right, you gotta do it yourself
Maybe life is up and down but my life's been (what?)
Till now I crawled up your butt somehow and that's when things got turned around

I used to be alive
Now I feel pathetic and now I get it
What's done is done you just leave it alone and don't regret it
But sometimes, some things turn into dumb things
And that's when you put your foot down.

Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you? (like you)
Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me? (like me)
How could you do somebody like that? (like that)
Hope you know that I'm never coming back (never coming back)

...

Depending on you is done, giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living, it's all just more giving to you and I'm done
Depending on you is done, giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living, it's all just more giving to you and I'm done
The hiding from you is done, the lying from you is done
No more eating, no more sleeping, no living, it's all just more giving to you and I'm done

...

Why did I have to meet somebody like you?
Why did you have to hurt somebody like me?
How could you do somebody like that?
I hope you know that I'm never coming back
Why? Why? Why?

Of needs and wants...

2006-09-14T09:16:00.000+05:30

I remember having a discussion with a loved one about Needs and Wants.

What started out with my explaining the marketing definitions of Needs and Wants (Yes, I'm a student of Marketing) turned out to be a conversation full of discovery, of the self, of our states of mind, of our needs and our wants.

My understanding of these is as follows:

Needs are those "requirements" which just have to be met. A need is from the deep inside of one's self and cannot be replaced or eliminated. For instance, hunger & thirst are physical needs, love and companionship are emotional needs, and so on...

Wants are those "options" that are available to us to satisfy those needs. For instance, Hunger could be satisfied by a sandwich or a burger, or pasta or plain old curd rice. What one chooses among these available options is a want. Going by this definition, a want can be replaced, modified or even eliminated depending on various factors like availability, cost etc...

{I know the Merovingian is gonna correct me on this one - I love it when he does}

When I looked back at myself through this discussion that I had, there was a phase in my life where I had only needs and hardly any wants. I mean, there was a few things I needed to survive with , and anything would just do. I was so intent on giving away everything. Somewhere at the back of my mind and in the bottom of my heart, I knew I had nothing to lose, I had nothing at all.

Then came a phase where I was made to understand that I was not living life to the fullest and there was so much to see, so much to feel, so much to look forward to. I started giving a little importance to my wants (read as - became a little selfish, started thinking about myself) and in a way I started developing for myself, a small set of wants to satisfy a small set of needs around a core - Myself.

Now, at this day, I see myself weakened, by having given into my wants, by choosing to be satisfied only by a specific set of options. I never once, did foresee these options not being available to me. Not once did I feel, that I may have to look out of other options should the one I have not be there. And yes, reality does slap you in the face. Hard.

So then, I see myself one again at the crossroads of choice, at the brink of a turnaround, good or bad, I won't judge, but definitely important. What I choose to do with myself will decide upon what my future has for me.

I will choose, I will survive. For I do not believe in succumbing to my wants. I must admit, I feel choked, unable to breathe, unable to give up my most precious possession. But then, what good is it to hold on to something/someone as your own, and no let the world have it, when it is only fair to share.

I see the need to give up on my wants (I know this sounds crazy - but this is meant only for those who will understand). I feel the need to give up, on the wants beyond which I have chosen not to see. I see myself wanting to look beyond, almost needing to, rather "having" to.

Then, I tell myself, it's a conscious choice I will have to make, and stick to. For I want to live, happily, I need to.

I will.
No matter what.
No matter how.
No matter why.

For those who think they have understood what I have written, THANK YOU. For those who have not, I have just one thing to say - Never Mind.

Dead & Re-born

2006-09-04T21:58:00.000+05:30

I do not believe in the concept of re-birth or past birth...

But then, if I assumed for just one moment that I did beleive in this

I would only wonder what I must do now...

Note: This is not a random thought.

Disclaimer...

2006-09-04T08:43:00.000+05:30

I hope this post will set things straight as far as my dislike for the word Human goes:

I do not have a problem with the biologically homosapient creature that walks, rides, drives, sails and flies through a major portion of this planet...

I just have a sincere dislike for the manipulative use of the word where it is used in describing, justifying and legitimizing one's follies and prevents one from taking ownership of one's actions and the consequences thereof...

Apologies

2006-09-02T10:21:00.000+05:30

Apologies just don't work...

In fact, apologies suck... What good is an apology when the damage has already been done... An apology never brought back the dead... an apology did not bring happiness ... and an apology certainly did nothing about the pain...

All an apology did, was to make the victim accept the truth, make one accept the fact that nothing will be done to reverse what happened... In fact, nothing CAN be done...

To me, an apology only feels like one human pleading for just being so HUMAN. So that he could have another chance... at being human again... Punishment is a must... Forgiveness is the best...

I feel lonely, and stuck,in a pit,
blood and bodies everywhere...
bodies of those, who made mistakes, and apologized...
bodies of those, who will never learn or understand...
bodies of those, whose victim I was, am and will be...
I choose to forgive them all... They are all, just so human...

They say : To err is human, to forgive is divine...

To forgive and NOT forget... is me.

Nothing will be forgotten... Nothing...

A forgotten reminder...

2006-08-28T21:40:00.000+05:30

A sudden turn of events in my life has had me thinking often about my past...

Here goes an anecdote of one of those hardly recollected, but never really forgotten memories...

_____________________________________________________

15:20 hrs: Just ten minutes for the last hour at school to get over... I had an appointment today at 16:30 hrs... Was really not looking forward to this... but I had to... It had been made clear to me that unless this appointment was kept up regularly, I would have a tough time at school (like that would make me look forward to having these appointments) I hate the way my Geography teacher "sang" her lectures... I was seriously considering complaining to the cops about my school having Geography (of all the boring subjects) for the last hour...

15:30 hrs: The wait is over... Its finally that time of the day where I put school woes behind me... Head to the ground and treat myself to a wonderful game of cricket with my classmates. Ooops... The appointment...

15:40 Hrs: I screech to a stop at the house gates on my tattered Hero ATB Cycle... The poor thing could have screamed in agony... But alas... No voice there... Thankfully... I felt a strange buzzing sensation in my head...

16:20 Hrs: I'm ready for this appointment... Dressed just about casual, feeling fresh after a quick bath, I was almost impressed with myself for managing to look lookable (I know this is not right usage, like I cared)... While on the surface, I wanted to run away from this faster than the roadrunner could have even imagined running from the coyote, deep inside, a strange feeling stirred in me... It almost felt like... Why was I smiling???

16:22 Hrs: On my way to this appointment, I happened to pass the ground where my friends, as usual, were spanking the ball marked with our school principal's name on it... The pleasure it gave us to just batter a ball with her name on it... was simply sadistic...

16:25 Hrs: A quick reflex, a brilliant hand-eye co-ordination and an even quicker transmission of the same to the bat sent the ball gliding across the rooftop of the tallest building near the ground... SIX.... Two more followed, on fresh balls (no puns intended here, but the reader is free to imagine)...I was the hero of the match...

16:35 Hrs: That strange buzzing sensation in my head, and I can't recollect what else, reminded of how I had imagined this evening was going to be very boring...

THE APPOINTMENT... I just raced, my cycle gave up all thoughts of screeching and screaming, I had kept it busy rolling... Tour De France, was not very far away...

16:40 Hrs: I find myself at the doorstep of a medium sized apartment... The person I was going to see had a dubious reputation of being unforgiving and mean... and I was not keen on seeing a demonstration of the same...

Panting and puffed out, sweaty and haggard, looking absolutely unlookable (I said, I don't care about the usage)... I rang the bell furiously, like ringing the bell like that would justify my being ten minutes late...

An ordinarily dressed, shy looking girl answered to my desperate ringing...

GIRL: Yes?

ME: Has Rekha miss come?

GIRL: No... Not yet...

Me: Oh... Thank God...

That, was the last time I played cricket on that ground....

Why?

2006-08-26T10:03:00.000+05:30

Some people who have the right to me ask me this question:

Why do you do this to yourself? What will you get by being SO generous to everybody?

Well... Here's my answer...

There are 3 reasons for this...

1. I choose not to expect.. and get hurt/disappointed...

2. There are just 2 things I believe in... Mind and Matter... I don't mind and Nobody else matters...

3. Click Here

Hmmm... Hope this answers the question. It did for me.

Lunch With Beckham...

2006-08-22T23:19:00.000+05:30

No... I did not win no contests... Neither did I dream up a lunch with the popular soccer player... What follows... is just an extract of one of those pathetic days in my life... where the man... purely by virtue of his existence and wealth... managed to leave me with a foul taste...

Here goes...

12:59 Hrs: just about that time of the day when the whistles in my belly begin their slow hum...

I ask my lunch-mate if it was time... and sure enough... the whistles in her belly were roaring... as usual...

13:12 Hrs: I realize I have the "esteemed" company of one other colleague, A apart from the usual L and M. WOW!!!...

13:20 Hrs The girls have finally managed to decide upon one place for lunch... and I'm thinking to myself, I could have finished lunch and got back by now...

13:30 Hrs: We are here... as are a zillion other executives from all the other unthinkable, unimaginable planets in this Universe... All dressed in formals... carrying on them varying levels of stench... and just one clear aim... LUNCH...

What follows now is an abridged version of the quadralogue (for lack of a better word) that happened... and how it left me wondering... and that foul taste in my mouth...

L: hey... Did you know that team this guy David Beckham played for... Who was it?

M: Real Madrid ???

L: Nooooooo.... not that one... the one he used to play for earlier....

M: Ha... Manchester United! What about it...

L: Ya... It seems they gave 40 million dollars for Beckham....

ME:(clueless about football) Who gave 40 million to whom? Madrid to Manchester... or to Beckham?

L: No stupid... It seems he is very popular in America...

ME:??? What does that have to do with what I just asked you?

M:(He seems to have understood something) Actually... He is very popular in the South East ... in Thailand and all...

L: He is popular in America ony because of Posh...But she's so fat...

ME: A ha... really....

A:(Looking to re-define her purpose in this Universe... In the menu) I wonder if the Dosa's here are good....

ME: ???

M:(Beginning to sound like an encyclopedia… and feeling good about it…) Did u know he earns 120,000 pounds in a week... That... Not including the endorsements...

L: Goddd... Why should some people get so much money in life?

ME:(Beginning to look for some humor) Coz they cant use it after they are dead...

L:(Irritated.. As expected) Shuduuuuuppppp....

A:(Not giving a s**t about how much Beckham earns and what is Posh's waist size)I will take one Mini-Meals...

L:(Looking dreamy...) God... I wish I could get just about 10% of that money...

M:(Not to miss his chance) 1%... will do...

ME:I can't imagine YOU playing football... I mean... NO....

L: How rude!!! Anyway... If I could get so much money... even I would play football...

M:(Can't help spitting his juice out)Beckham!!! Take cover… here comes the L effect…

L:But seriously... I mean... look at how much money he gets... just for kicking a stupid ball around... and we… have to slog our asses and nobody even bothers…

______________________________________________________

This is where I lost it... I mean... not literally... I got thinking...

Did someone like Beckham start making money simply by kicking the ball around?

Is this all that people like L can understand from the life of people like him?

Did he not have to work his way up to where he was?

It irked me to see materialism in its most prevalent, blatant, blunt and unappealing form... In the form of a person who could switch to a new life style...
A person who seemed ready to give up on anything/anyone for the money that Beckham earns...

It reminded me of the conversation I had with someone I respect... We had spoken about LEAGUES... about how one person may be in different league compared to another for different aspects in life... aspects like self-control, expectations, clarity of thought, articulation, grammatical accuracy, sexiness, confidence and the like...

I compelled myself to look at the child in L and feel that desperation she had… the unfulfilled desire for the material pleasures that money could buy… something I could never bring myself to feel… or understand…

Looking at L made pity the hundreds of souls I see every day… “Slogging their asses off” to earn that extra buck… to satisfy that extra desire… to live a life defined by slavery to the senses… I pity the people who cannot see themselves as other people… I pity those people who cannot make themselves realize that they are slaves… of their senses… of themselves…

At this table, having my lunch, I found myself in a league so different... a league so distant... a league so lonely…

With a foul taste in my mouth... I found myself... looking beyond...

Nothin else matters...

2006-08-17T23:36:00.000+05:30

That smile...

... at any cost...

...no matter what...

Nothing else matters...

Calvinism... A matter of Choice...

2006-08-15T22:03:00.000+05:30

Calvinism emphasizes the depravity of man and the complete sovereignty of God. God's plan for the world and every soul that he has created is guided by his will, or providence...

...the idea that man has a free will and is able to make choices independently of what God has already determined is based on our limited understanding of God's perfection and the illusion created by Satan that we are able to reject God's plan for us...

I find this a little odd...

If God really was the all powerful, almighty FATHER of all us "depraved" children and has given us free will, why does one have to make a "Choice" when his choices have been decided upon already... or is this the almighty God's idea of making one think that a choice is there to make...

What is choice???

Reminds me of the Merovingian....

More on this... Hopefully soon... Ain't got no choices there.... Or do I?

Pain.... or Pleasure???

2006-08-15T21:13:00.000+05:30

I got this nice lil forward by SMS from a friend:

- The world mocks at me... coz I'm so different...
I laugh back... coz they are all so much the same...

When I look at them, I feel the need to remain unconditional... to move on...

To exist.... in the Beyond.

Understand...

2006-08-13T23:43:00.000+05:30

To understand that somebody else's feelings may be as important as your own... or to accept that you may not feel anything at all... seems to be an entirely different ball game...

But then, is it not human to make mistakes... if it really is so... is one not giving himself the this convenient and easy license to just make mistakes... so where does one draw the lines... between

people being able to take responsibility for their follies and justify their pointless existence... and calling it human... to not understand... no not accept... to not admit... to not learn...

and

people admitting AND accepting themselves... and moving on...

easier said that done huh???

after all... we are all human... are we not???

At last...

2006-08-13T12:02:00.000+05:30

Yes...

At last...

After all the coaxing and begging my friends have done asking me to start "recording" my thoughts, wat i had to say, wat i felt and wat i did not...

I'm here...