up the wall...

that feeling of wanting to just break out and screaming until your lungs hurt...

that feeling where you feel driven up the wall with demands, demands and more demands...

exactly what i am going through right now a this very moment, and to add to the pain, there is the omni-present "better than what you could do" set of references that exist... just so that i can realise the exact smallness and proportion of what i could do...

I have always been pitted into competing with people who are older, more experienced, are earning better and can deliver to expectation just because they have had the time to learn and then earn and here i am trying to fit into their league, trying to already grab my future years in advance... I have, for some time now, felt i do not have to go through all this... i do not have to push myself to know more, to earn more...

but then, was this not what i have defined my very purpose as... to fulfil demands, or die trying??? my very motivation, the driving force behind what i am right now at this very moment seems to be complementing this motto of living this uphill fulfillment... life has its own set of tricks to slap irony in your face huh???

I ask myself, why should i have to bother about material needs and physical pleasures... i know there is a beyond to this and i have been there too...

so what does one do when he has been complained to - not about the fact that he cant deliver, but about the disappointment that expectations were not fulfilled AND there are better options available, which one could not offer...

The oracle said that you cannot see beyond the choices you understand, but what about those choices you just cannot make...

i feel tied down, penting up with frustration - not of the demands being made, or of people's lack of understanding of me... i feel frustrated of my inability to deliver, my inability to scale up and understand... when i promised i would...

i wish someone could help me out with this paradox of being stretched into something i am not, and putting my foot down to be what i am (at the cost of everything that matters)...

Its shopping time again...

Life in Mumbai has brought with it a strange mixture of happiness, excitement, fear, insecurity and lasting shades of grey...

My life seems to have taken a turn when i visited one of those malls in Malad. suddenly, the life that was only available in dreams, only visible in wishful thoughts was thrown onto me in in fullest, most vibrant and excruciatingly expansive form.

so much of it that the sense of being overwhelmed took its time to register. More than 1 Lakh sqft of shopping space for a local to Chennai resident is not something that goes well in one go...

I only feel humbled by the sheer size of the materialistic universe that surrounds me and appeals only to my senses...

At the end of the day, with my love right beside me and life transformed beyond comprehension, there is only one thought that lingers in my mind...

Its shopping time again...

Pain

I realise, I have become so numb...
so tense, so pained...

I wish I could let somebody know,
of the pain that did not show
coz for every wish, there was a blow !!!

As i stand here, at the brink of making dreams come true...
looking at my past, an abyss of the deepest hue,
I see myself wanting to smile, wanting to live...
my life and my love, is all i have to give !!!

a snowy evening....

have just been exposed to the brash realities of the humbleness of my knowledge...

reminds of a poem I once heard...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.